i think i needa reflect on the way I carry myself.. i know my friends don't mind but i'm starting to mind.. esp. when i think my mum's words make alotta sense... my mum says my relatives are always praising me to the skies but actly im damn bad just that they dont know... and she says i should learn to walk with elegance and be more organised..

as hygenic as I am.. my stuff are always messily organised..
actly i realised i only walk properly only when i'm in heels.. cos i'm forced to do so or else i will just twist my ankle and fall... and malu myself again with the unglamness...

and i'm on my way to losing weight.. my dieting plan has survived for the past two weeks.. so proud of myself.. hohoho..
though food is highly irresistible.. it's more impt to carry the correct image..

and i will get my walking style right by end of jun and tone up my arm muscles by jun too and i shall make sure my calve muscles continue shrinking at the expense of my shrinking stride length as well(:

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anyways soccer boys lost today.. no matter what i think they put up a great fight... it was quite unbelievable momentarily.. as you walk ard the sch you hear everyone going:
eh you know what.. the soccer boys lost..
no full day alr..

like !@#%$% jus becos of the full day.. not becos they are truly concerned..

the girls are fighting against tj tmr.. i hope we win..


it's 18th may today.. so happy birthday alan yeo and daniel(:

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i feel like i'm just stuck into this vicious failure cycle... setbacks by setbacks I have encountered from the end of last year all the way till this year.. i can't remember the countless no. of times i have got this feeling of dejection and emptiness.. sometimes i console myself by saying maybe because last year was too smooth-sailing so this year to be more setbacks-filled to add to my excitement in life... but i somehow feel i have had too much.. today.. all it took to was one sentence to shatter my heart... sometimes i understand towards certain things even if you give your all.. even if your invested all efforts... you don't really get what you want.. not as if i din't exp that before.. but on the brink of desperation my mind started filling up with thoughts i shouldn't be harbouring.. i almost did something i would regret... cheapen myself to such an extent that i know I would hate myself forever.. and then hurt the people around me.. then you know.. the problems boils down to me me me.. it's me again.. it's always me.. that mental fatigue within me plagues me... then i realised no matter how tired i get even if the whole world forsakes me.. i must still stand strong.. even if.... alone... two nights ago.. i was on the line with jing until the wee hours of the morning... she was just warning me and at that point of time as usual... i was still full of hopes and fervently stuck to my own beliefs... i'm one with many many bad points... from unglamness to absolute frankness and cynism and the list can go on and on till infinity... but i'm blessed with a bunch of friends who tolerate my shortcomings... and i realised I have nothing to give actly.. 5981... where all hopes were first dashed... i begged my parents to give me a chance.. no my mum i mean... i literally begged like i never wanted anything before.. i offered to give up certain things.. yet to no avail.. then again i had to say i was happy to have those few friends who were there to catch me when i fell.. you know for the past 4 months... i led my life wondering what i was studying for.. what i was doing soccer for.. how my presence contributed to the world... and all i wanted to do what i wanted that i truly had passion for.. then i lost it all.. i think noone will ever understand how much i want something... and there was my dark secret that i never ever told anyone cos i knew noone wld ever take me seriously.. then i failed again.. the feeling of losing the things that meant the most to you.. that once added colours to your life.. that gave you the reason to cont'd doing that thing you do every single day no matter how meaningless they seemed.. really sucks... the problem boils down to me... sometimes i hate myself so much that I feel like killing myself but okay lah rest assured i wont.. it's just a metaphoric connotation used here to express inner emotions.. ah i know i'll be fine cos the hols are coming soon.. then i can spend time pondering over stuff and how to solve these problems...